Hard to Work in a House with an Alligator--Little Times of Trouble

Bible Study Reflections 
for Discussion

June 8, 2019

Larry R. Evans

INTRODUCTION

Gracie Allen, the wife of George Burns, for more than 30 years, appeared on radio, television, and film, playing a single scatterbrained character, with her husband playing opposite as the straight man.  

One day a parcel from a friend arrived, special delivery.  One would expect a pair of silk gloves or maybe a jeweled hairpin. Instead, inside the package was a baby alligator, wriggling and snapping, but still too small to do much harm.

Gracie was heading out the door at the moment.  She was flustered about what to do with the little carnivore.  So, she put it in the bathtub, walked out the door and totally forgot about it.

When she arrived back home, she found a note on the counter.  It was from her maid.  It read, 

Dear Mrs. Allen, I quit.  I don’t work in no house with an alligator.  I should have told you this when I started.  I just never though it would come up.

This week we are giving special study and reflection to conflict in the marriage and in the home.  No one likes it.  It does happen.  What can we learn from the Bible about conflict?  What are some of the core values that will help steer us through the minefields that are undoubtedly out there?  Is the answer to quit, separate, divorce or maybe auction the kids off to anyone willing to make a bid?  As I began my study for this week’s lesson, a lead story in the news was the on-going search for a mother of five. She had begun divorce procedures, but in doing so she feared some kind of retaliation. With the discovery of blood in her home, there is fear that she may not be found alive.  Not all conflict in a marriage ends in divorce nor should all conflict be ignored.  Unfortunately, there are times when a divorce may be necessary.  Conflict alone, however, doesn’t always have to lead to violence or divorce. We are left with the question, “How can we disagree without becoming disagreeable?”

ESTABLISHING RULES FOR CONFLICT

A dictionary definition of conflict is: “A condition in which. A person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs.”The Sabbath School quarterly begins its study with the dangers of conflict which is important.  We need to get to that point, but avoiding conflict altogether isn’t always the best route to take either. 

In fact, Matthew 18 suggests that there are times when we do wrong if we don’t confront a problem.

“Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell himhis fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. – Matt. 18:15-17

Confrontation is important but timing and the way it is done is critical. For example, can you imagine in the story referred to as the Prodigal Son, if the wayward and returning younger son was met by his older brother rather than by his father!   At the same time, it has been pointed out that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy.  Apathy is often a form of unhealthy conflict in the home.  An example of this is Eli.

Now the sons of Eli were corrupt; they did not know the Lord. – 1 Sam. 2:12

Ellen White shared some helpful insights about Eli but the principle applies even beyond this specific instance.

Eli had greatly erred in permitting his sons to minister in holy office. Excusing their course on one pretext and another, he became blinded to their sins. But at last he could no longer hide his eyes from the crimes of his sons… 

They heard his mild admonitions, but they were not impressed, nor would they change their evil course…

Dreading thus to bring public disgrace and condemnation upon them, he sustained them in the most sacred positions of trust. 

He permitted them to corrupt the service of God and inflict upon the cause of truth an injury which years could not efface. But God took the matter in hand. —Patriarch and Prophets, p. 577

Negative Outcomes

Jesus gave us some wise counsel when it comes to settling disputes when He said,

“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.—Matthew 7:1,2

What happens if we don’t confront well or if conflict turns ugly?

1.   Each person’s credibility is lost in the eyes of the other(s).

2.   Desire to be proven right takes precedence over finding a solution

3.   Wrong actions and/or attitudes are reinforced

4.   God’s involvement is limited, abused or refused

Positive Outcomes

Which should it be:

1.   A Conflict Resolution. OR

2.   A Casual Conversation

Conflict Resolutionis needed when something is interrupting or harming your relationship in some way. Something needs to come out into the open.

Casual Conversationis just discussing things that may come up.

When using a casual conversation is used to confront an issue that is harming the relationship, it is possible that signals will be mixed and the issue will not be addressed in such a way it will be resolved.        

I recently attended a presentation at the General Conference on the role of conflict. From that presentation, I came away with three takeaways:

1.   Healthy Confrontation is Vital to Bearing Fruit.

Having the ability, wisdom and courage to skillfully confront is vital to bearing fruit and honoring God. 

2.   Healthy Confrontation Brings Attention to Blind Spots.

To confront is to appropriately bring to someone’s attention ways they are acting or engaging that hinder their growth.   

3.   Healthy Confrontation Facilitates Healing and Growth

Confrontation is engaged in to facilitate healing and growth in a person, family, team or organization.

It is vitally important for us to learn to listen (without interruption) so that we can listen to learn.

We can’t avoid confrontation; at best (best might be questionable), we can only postpone it.

How to Confront Well

1.   Pray for sensitivity to the Spirit’s promptings

2.   Pray for the courage to be obedient

3.   Pray for the person and the situation.

4.   Pray to check your own motives

5.   Prepare well

6.   Keep in mind the purpose

7.   Follow a model

Willie and Elaine Oliver in their missionary book of the year, Hope for Today’s Families,offer 5 essential building steps for a strong and healthy marriage:

1.   Build your marriage on real love(Understanding each other’s needs and being willing to sometimes practice self-denial for the sake of the relationship.)

2.   Accept each other’s faults and imperfections. (Bring grace into the family – grace is something that you give to someone even if they do not deserve it.)

3.   Listen to each other.(Good listening is like the fertilizer that will go deep beneath the surface to nourish and enrich the soil.  Practice active listening.)

4.   Forgive often. Forgiveness paves the way for healing and reconciliation – it releases us from hurts and feelings of bitterness and resentment.)

5.   Hug more.(Hugging is an easy way to reconnect daily.)

Conclusion

The Peace of God

The words of the ancient blessing from Aaron and his priestly descendants resonant with our hearts today. It is referred to as the Lord’s Prayer of the Old Testament (Numbers 6:24-26):

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Tell Aaron and his sons to bless the people of Israel with this special blessing:

‘May the Lord bless you

and protect you.

May the Lord smile on you

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord show you his favor

and give you his peace.’

Whenever Aaron and his sons bless the people of Israel in my name, I myself will bless them.”

This kind of peace doesn’t come from human effort alone.  It is a gift from above. It is referred to by Jesus when He told his disciples during the Last Supper,

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27)

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Peace is not just the absence of frustration, anxiety, or turbulence.  It is a way of life. The kind of life God designed it to be.  It is a piece of heaven, the place of no tears, the place where shalom rules. It comes when we invite God’s presence and then allow Him to be present.